Pop Music
Or The Death of Culture To an Unrhythmic Yet Strangely Hypnotic Beat
Perhaps John Stewart, demigod of Comedy Central, best summarized our status as a society:
Quoted from "The Daily Show", circa 9 May 2000
And, in music news: Britney Spears' new album is due out in stores later this May. Britney, shown here... ::pauses for 10 or 15 seconds,
as video plays of lewd-dancin', talentless-hackin', fake-breastin' Spears pelvically thrusting in ways unseen since "Debbie Does Dallas 2000":: ::clears throat::
Yes. Anyway. The album's title, "Oops, I did It Again", apparently refers to destroying popular music as we know it.
Yes, I speak of the new titles tearin' up the charts. (End bad pun)
Boy bands. Blonde teenaged spinoffs who, despite a complete lack of talent and/or reason to be allowed to live, continue to sing their little tunes, recruiting male dancers
for Disney Channel specials. Christ, people, what have we become? I think we may be able to trace the decline of society to exactly one thing: as the music gets worse, things go straight to hell.
Look at it. For millenia, nomadic tribes hunted and gathered, then gathered around roaring bonfires to play makeshift flutes and digiridoos. OK, so maybe it wasn't exactly
like that... shut up a second and let me make my point. As long as written history goes, there's been music. Some of it's been recreated. It's pretty tame, as they go. Then we evolve into
true composers... the Mozarts and Schuberts of the middle of the millenium. Hey, good stuff, if you're into the classics. Then we enter into the 20th century, and everything goes straight to hell. The jazz movement of the 30's and 40's.
Still decent. Folk and country singers of the 50's. Not... quite... so good... Rock and roll emerges. Sweet merciful crap. There goes the neighborhood. Hendrix and Garcia... hell, it's all one big party
for the better part of 15 years. Then, we come to where the acual beginning of the end can be found: disco. The 70's poisoned the minds of a generation with strange dancing to redundant techno beats.
Somehow, disco mercifully strangled itself with a patent leather belt. But to be replaced with what? INXS. Michael Jackson. Vanilla freaking Ice. The New Kids on the Block. I'm just grateful that period remains blissfully
hidden behind a wall of mental blocks I've imposed on myself. And we evolved. Blind Melon. Ace of Base. Hanson.
Wait. What's that last one? Why... it's the dawn of a new era! One that makes us wish boll weevils would crawl up into our spinal cavities, causing excrutiating pain, but at the same time destroying our hearing, thereby eliminating the horrific
spasms every time "Bye Bye Bye" pounds from a mall stereo!
People. It's either you, people you know, relatives of yours, or people YOU CAN STOP from buying this crap who are supporting this. They wouldn't be making the music if people weren't flocking to the record stores like lemmings to the sea
to hear 'N Sync's newest chart-topper. CHART-TOPPER. Anyone hovering on the edge of agnosticism cannot help but plummeting off that ledge after realizing that somehow, somewhere, these people are not only
recording more of this, but getting rich off it. Profit. While we day-trade and bet on Cleveland to buy the extraneous computer equipment, money is pouring into the bank accounts of our musical friends from the hands of pre-pubescent legions of Munchkins from the Land of frickin' Oz.
Where, exactly, is there to go from here? In all honesty, I'm at a loss to even hazard a guess. I predict somewhere between 11 and 14 new boy bands to emerge from the woodwork, peddling their wares, along with half a dozen other large-breasted, blonde teenaged girls with no voices, who will then go on to
star in major motion pictures opposite Tom Green and Norman McDonald. Then... good god. If MC Hammer made it, anyone can make it. What WILL be the next wave of ultra-popular, incredibly overrated crap actually be? Hell if I know. Now, if you'll excuse me... Britney Spears is on SNL. I find these music videos highly entertaining
with the volume off. Apparently, most of the cameramen agree with me... you aimed a little low for the face there, guys.
Ah, well. As long as some things stay constant.
--Erik, 5/14/00. I think you all know what my agenda really is.