Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Other Friends

Well, everybody's doing it, so why can't we? I thought that the shootings at Columbine High School deserved at least a few minutes of my time, since the media can't seem to shut up about the whole thing.

In my typical fashion, I have... written this entire article in one sitting without editing it! No, I have found myself on the side of the "bad guys". Though the two Columbine boys who decided to take out the school were definitely wrong in the head, it's a sort of wrong-ness that I can identify with. You, Reader, should be able to identify with it as well.

Here's the part where I resort to a hypocritical stereotype: if you're reading this, you're probably like me. Part of that common demographic of teenaged 'Netheads. The stereotype varies from black-robed online goth to pocket-protector wearing nerd (and no, I don't mean nrrrd), but one facet of it remains the same. We're loners. We seek companionship through our modem, not our neighbors. And--not to burst anyone's precious little bubble--those Columbine boys were like us. And they weren't happy with that.

How often have *you* wanted to grab the nearest semi-automatic weapon and kill 'em all? It's like Flytape says: We're all a little crazy, but we keep it to ourselves. Except these two didn't want to keep it to themselves any longer.

"Now wait a minute," you might be saying. "Sure, I surf the Web--mostly to check out my all-time favorite site, Learuirka (why *thank* you!)--but that doesn't make me a homicidal maniac." No, it doesn't. That's not what made those Colorado boys homicidal, either. I'm not trying to lay blame on the good old WWW. Instead, I'm blaming the loneliness that drove them online, and then drove them to murder. The captain of the football team doesn't stay up late on Saturday nights writing HTML (FYI, I'm writing this on a Monday evening). He's too busy impregnating cheerleaders in the back seat of his daddy's convertible. But Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold didn't have that to look forward to. They stayed home and read Mein Kampf.

One would think that this tragedy--and that's what it was, I'm not trying to downplay it just by making light of it--would bring about a noble acceptance of "outsiders" by high school students everywhere. At least, that's what Al Gore would have us believe. "We all must change," the vice-president said. Sure, Al. We all know how mature high school kids are. The very *antithesis* of petty idiots. Shit. Though it *is* fun to say, "Gee, ever since Columbine, people have been so *nice* to me!", it'll never happen.

Though I know full well how futile the effort is, I'm still going to take a few moments and say that those people whom everyone hates tend to hate everyone. Well, except Hitler.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to work on my Nazi salute. HEIL!

--Laura Mariani, Reject and Satirist, 04/26/99